An Untitled Holiday Story
by Nightlingbolt
Summary: In which Rangiku makes an observation and I piss off a lot of people.


It was just another slow day in the Tenth Division offices. The holiday season was in full swing, and the seated officers were getting drunk off eggnog, much to Toshiro Hitsugaya's chargin. Of course, Matsumoto was included in that number, since anything with alcohol was equal to candy for her. And so, Toshiro was left to run the division by himself. Just then, Matsumoto came barging in, late as usual.

"Matsumoto! Where have you been?! The paperwork is piling up, and I can't do it alone, so get to work!" Toshiro yelled.

"I will, Taicho," said Matsumoto. But first, you gotta answer me one question."

"Fine," said Toshiro with a sigh. "What is it?"

"What holiday do Nazis celebrate?" asked Matsumoto.

Whatever Toshiro was expecting his Lieutenant to ask, it certainly wasn't that. But then, he had learned to expect the unexpected when it came to Rangiku Matsumoto. "What brought that up, Matsumoto?" he asked.

"Well, you know the Fourth Seat's Jewish, right?" Matsumoto asked.

"How could I forget?" Every year at this time, Hideki Mirako, the Tenth's Fourth Seat complained about not being able to celebrate with everyone else because he was the only Jew in the division. Frankly, Toshiro didn't see why he didn't just convert already, but that was none of his business.

"Well, the Eight Seat made an anti-Semitic remark…" Matsumoto began, but was interrupted by her Captain.

"Did you discipline him?" he asked.

"Hai. I assigned him to cleaning duty for the rest of the month," Matsumoto confirmed. "Then I told him if he could make those kinds of remarks, he shouldn't be celebrating Christmas either, which got me thinking about the question I previously asked."

Satisfied with the how, Toshiro only needed the why. "Why wouldn't a Nazi celebrate Christmas?" he asked.

"Think about it," said Matsumoto. "Jesus was a Jew, which the Nazis hate. So why would they celebrate the birth of someone they hate?"

"Ano… I don't think it works like that, Matsumoto," said Toshiro. But he had to admit, the logic was hard to argue with.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, Matsumoto-fukutaicho," a deep voice spoke. Both Captain and Lieutenant turned to see Byakuya Kuchiki standing in the doorway, a stack of papers in his hands.

"Put those on my desk, Kuchiki-taicho," instructed Toshiro. Byakuya came in to do as instructed. But before he could leave, Matsumoto stopped him.

"May I help you, Matsumoto-fukutaicho?" Byakuya asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Kuchiki-taicho, you're a smart person, right?" Matsumoto asked.

"I would like to believe so," replied Byakuya.

"Then tell me something. Jesus is a Jew, which Nazis hate, so they can't really celebrate Christmas, and they obviously don't celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, so what _do_ they celebrate?"

The stoic Captain was silent for a moment as he pondered Matsumoto's words. Finally, a single word escaped his lips. "Festivus." Matsumoto went stock still after that.

"Matsumoto?" Toshiro called. "Matsumoto!"

"The Airing of Grievances… the Feats of Strength… and the Festivus Pole…" said Matsumoto softly.

"Matsumoto?"

"OF COURSE!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "It all adds up! Kuchiki-taicho, you're a genius!" Matsumot made to glomp the Sixth Division Captain, but the words "Hado #4…" made her stop in her tracks.

"Wait a minute!" Toshiro exclaimed. But the more he thought about it, the more he came to attribute Festivus to Nazism. Instead, he lamely thanked Byakuya and set to work as Matsumoto insisted she and Byakuya share a drink in honor of his genius, who, surprisingly, agreed.

"_This will be her Secret Santa gift,"_ Byakuya thought.

**A/N: I know, I probably offended about a million people and just as many Seinfeld fans. But I was mulling over that question for a while, and just today, I came up with Festivus. Here, let me explain:**

**The Airing of Grievances: The idea is to describe to your guests how they have disappointed you over the past year, which in turn promotes a feeling of superiority within, similar to Nazism's belief in the superiority of the Aryan Race.**

**The Feats of Strength: To me, this is a perfect mirror of the militarist belief that "great nations grow from military power and maintained order." The Feats of Strength is traditionally a show of the head of the household's power, so in this situation, the person who usually leads the Festivus celebration is the military power in the household.**

**The Festivus Pole: The pole is traditionally left undecorated because decorations are thought to be distracting. Similarly, the Nazi Party believed in the euthanasia of the disabled (physically and mentally) because they interfered with the purification of the German people.**

**The celebration of Festivus: According to Frank Costanza, he created Festivus because he was angered at how commercial the Christmas/Hanukkah season had become. To me, this parallels the Nazi belief that the Jews thrived on fomenting division amongst Germans and states. Basically, the division of the German people is akin to the commercialism that defines the holiday season.**

**And now that I've said my peace, I encourage you to flame away. I probably deserve it. But just know that all I'm trying to do is make an observation, and I realize I'm looking too much into it.**

**God damn it, I think too much.**


End file.
